Thread: Help/advice please

Hi

I am a fairly regular poster on here, but don't feel comfortable revealing myself fully so hence the psuedonym.

I have not been feeling 100% happy with myself and everything for a long long time, and just lately I feel things are getting worse. I am snappy with my children, I keep shutting myself away on the computer, I keep putting things off that need doing and my house is resembling a tip ( normally it's fairly tidy).

My youngest is 3 and I suppose I have felt like thing on and off for the last 2 years or so ( so I don't think PND is to blame). I have a nice house and a caring loving husband, I don't work, we are not rich but not on the breadline either so I don't know why I feel like this.

I am not planning more children and I want to enjoy them when they are small but find it boring and keep finding other things to do rather than spend time with them. I know this is wrong but I can't seem to stop myself. Also everytime I have the slightest ache or pain, I convince myself I have some awful terminal illness. As it is I am convinced I will die young.

To the outside world I have a very good front that I put on so I don't think even my closest friends will realise I feel like this. If I go to the Dr I will feel such a fool explaining this as it's much easier to write down.

I suppose what I am asking is, am I depressed, or is this how motherhood feels?
Thanks for reading

Hiya Flowertot

Do you have anything that you do which you have complete ownership of, where you are known for you, and not as "X's Mum" etc?
I found starting to go to my local Stitch and Bitch meetings helped me alot, as I used to regularly feel like you do now...
I have days where I feel like all I do is run around after my boys, wash, cook, vainly attempt cleaning etc...
I am sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say, but I couldn't read this and not post

Love
Sarah xXx

It sounds to me like boredom is the key here. You could start some hobbies and projects to do at home but if you are bored of being stuck at home I don't know how much that will help.

I had been a mother for all of 2 years before I started pulling my hair out and needed to do something so I went to college. First I did an ACCESS to higher education course for a year, then A levels for 2 years, then I worked as a tutor in a college for a few months and now I have been at university for 2 years. I cannot stand to be stuck at home during the day so even on my days off uni I go up to the park and sit in the cafe, chat to people, study up there or help out if it gets busy.

The things I did was because I want to get myself a career but if you were interested you could do an adult ed course from cooking, to flower arranging to yoga or more academic subjects if that's what you fancy. I know education isn't for everyone but I love it so I would tell anyone to go for it.

Of course that also depends on childcare that is available and costs etc.

I think you definitely need to find something to have some YOU time and do something you enjoy doing.

In answer to your question flowertot, I think sometimes we can get bogged down with motherhood and the fact that yes sometimes it can be a bit mundane but if you've been feeling like this for so long then I think it may be time to go have a chat with your gp especially about your feelings of being ill etc as this can be a symptom of OCD and depression

Please don't feel like a fool going to the Dr, but if you really don't think you can talk about it to them then write it down and give it to the Dr to read over.

Originally Posted by Hidden Spirit

Please don't feel like a fool going to the Dr, but if you really don't think you can talk about it to them then write it down and give it to the Dr to read over.

Agree, the doctor would never make you feel like a fool hun

I often feel like this, too. Before the children did you have a career and a 'life of your own' as it were? I know I find some days pretty hard since having to give up my career, and often wonder who I am and if I'm here for anything other than just being a wife and mother. Sometimes it all becomes a bit too much and that's where the problem starts/

The way that you've described the twinges etc as being something worse in your own mind is a sign of depression, so I really would see your GP else you're going to end up driving yourself up the wall with stress and worry.

In the meantime, if it's possible for you, mentally allocate times where you will make an effort to be with the children 100%, as even if it's for 15 minutes or so that will take away the sense of guilt. Also do the 15 minutes per day thing with the housework, starting with the part that gives you the most grief mentally.

And also, just keep talking to us: a problem shared and all that ......

Thanks everyone

It has helped a bit just to unload!

Maybe it is a bit of boredom I hadn't really thought of that! I like the 15 minute thing as I am concious I really waste my time sitting around not doing much but then not feeling I have had a rest or any me time!

I amm going to try an 'buck myself up ' a bit and try the 15 minute thing, and also write lists of everything I want to acheive maybe that will help.

I think the main thing is not being able to enjoy myself I am getting annoyed with, and the fear of illness and death. Hopefully that will pass if I can sort the rest out!

Originally Posted by flowertot

I think the main thing is not being able to enjoy myself I am getting annoyed with, and the fear of illness and death. Hopefully that will pass if I can sort the rest out!

I think it will pass if you're focussing more on other things. If not, then would def have a quick chat with the GP.

Good idea with the lists, but try not to make them too long! I did that once and felt quite bad when I wasn't doing what I wanted to quite as quickly as I thought I would, if that makes sense. Little steps and all that

xx

excuse me for not being very bright but what is stitch and bitch?

Samantha,
the only not very bright thing is to show your interest, by asking - they might try to lure you in to stitch and bitch
But seriously, its a knitting thingy, they all sit around knitting dishclothes and stuff, gossiping and eating biscuits

Flowertot - I'm so sorry you feel so low, its a horrid crappy way to feel and I've been there
the 15 minute thing is very very good, as is the lists - I felt very low 18 months ago and I roused enough to do a massive long detailed list, and made myself do one thing off it each day (usually a cleaning thing!)
I broke the day up into 3, morning, afternoon and evening
Every morning I went to a playgroup with Minitilly - come what may, we went out to playgroup, library, softplay - something
Afternoon, I did something on the list and some 1:1 time with him
Evening was computer / tv / pamper / book etc time
The structure and the plan to the days did help

its a shitty and tough way to feel - I hope you see your way out