Thread: I think my husband has bipolar disorder - LONG

This may be a little long, so please bear with me. I am a relative newby on this site but hope there will be someone able to listen or offer advice.

My husband suffers from horrible bouts of depression and has done since I can remember. Every winter in particular he gets on a real downer, and since my birthday is in January it's never been a particularly good time for me. I thought he had SAD until recently when I've looked back at incidents in our marriage and his general behaviour, and it's led me to believe he may have bipolar disorder (manic depression).

When we first got married we had a lot of problems, mainly sexual ones which I won't go into at the moment. Suffice to say I suffered pain, pushed him away, felt inadequate, pushed him away and the more I did this the more he wanted me and the more ... blah blah blah. After a while though things sorted themselves out and we were fine.

I did notice he got unhappy in the winter but I didn't see his extreme elation and happiness as ever being a problem because I was just happy that he was happy. Then he'd get miserable again. It didn't help because his career wasn't going the way it should and he wanted out but couldn't seem to find the right job. If something happened to trigger a depression attack he would sink right down and it was impossible to talk to him rationally because he just wouldn't hear me. It happened a lot when he was made redundant/lost jobs etc and he just felt inadequate and hopeless.

The other side of the coin is that when he's happy he's EXTREMELY happy, he feels he can do anything, gets all sorts of ideas for unworkable business schemes, plans expensive holidays and to cap it all, bought us a house, moved us to Oswestry, put our son in private school, and bought expensive furniture, all without selling our previous house first. We are now suffering a huge financial burden, and the stress of this has brought on his condition again. He's normally so frugal and sensible with money and he earns a lot. He can be fine and happy, complimenting me over and over and over again on how good I look - which is nice but surely not normal to repeat the same thing over and over - is it? He goes on and on about how wonderful it is that we live here, how great it will be when the other house sells and big plans for the money we'll have once it's sold. He gets what I would term "sexually hyperactive" and needs to have sex twice a day or more or he feels bad. I don't mind this because at least we're having some fun together.

Then he will suddenly go down in the dumps. Sometimes it can be because the other house is taking forever to sell, or because someone has annoyed him, or, worst of all, his current issue - my past. He has terrible anger episodes, calls me a slag because I slept with my two previous boyfriends before him (who doesn't?) and makes me feel like I'm a worthless piece of sh1t. Apparently this wouldn't have been a problem but for the fact the aforementioned sexual problems occured during the time I was with him and not with my previous boyfriends, with whom I must have had an amazing time with, till I met him - "the one person who wanted you and you PUSHED ME AWAY!!!" is his current mantra. He spent a lot of the time last year convinced that I never loved him and was hankering after my ex (as if). I think he's realised now that I did love him but it's not stopped him going on.

I am at the end of my tether. He usually recovers from these episodes, after I've talked to him, apologised till I'm blue in the face and calmed him down, when he eventually sees sense, becomes rational again and apologises. He's then OK for a while, completely normal, then starts on the euphoria again, complimenting me constantly, saying how wonderful life is etc, and this is one of the warning signs. Then comes the downward spiral.

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I've never talked to anyone about this before. After our initial problems things seemed to be all right for the next few years, apart from him getting irritable if he didn't get enough sex. He started flirting with other women too and even started seeing one last year during one of his bad episodes, till he felt bad about it and confessed. I don't think it was serious, he seemed to be using her for a sounding board and for some company. He swears no sex was involved and I have to believe him. Despite what he's putting me through now I can't talk to him about this.

He is currently on a downer and came home last night and started talking about my past. He keeps saying he wants to split up, then realises it's stupid and tells me he wants me forever. He also said he doesn't know what would make him happy right now. For the most part believe it or not we have a good marriage, we can talk about anything, we have two lovely sons and a life together, i.e. spending time together and not going off doing separate things. He's a lovely person when he's "normal" which at least gives me hope. I don't want to separate from him but I do want him to seek help. He won't accept that he might have a mental health problem and won't take any antidepressants - we tried that last year and the side effects made him stop taking them. I really don't know what to do. I love him dearly. I haven't given many of his good points here but trust me he is lovely when he's not like this, I'm not backpedalling or anything.

I'm sorry this has gone on so long. I hope some of you can sort out the wheat from the chaff, with all my rambling, but it is very difficult to put many years of hindsight into one post.

Thoughts, anyone? I don't want to leave him unless he leaves me no option.

I've got nothing useful to say! but a big hug from me!

I'm manic depressive. You do need to get your husband to your GP to discuss these ups and downs. Perhaps you can discuss it with the GP first? It may be something else chemical but if not they can refer him for treatment.
I used to take lithium and it was like magic. I have been put on prozac before and hated it, it made me confused and disorientated. If he is bipolar, ordinary antidepressants are probably not appropriate and may even make him feel worse. I would happily take lithium again if I needed it.

annie

Originally Posted by puddlepants

I'm manic depressive. You do need to get your husband to your GP to discuss these ups and downs. Perhaps you can discuss it with the GP first? It may be something else chemical but if not they can refer him for treatment.
I used to take lithium and it was like magic. I have been put on prozac before and hated it, it made me confused and disorientated. If he is bipolar, ordinary antidepressants are probably not appropriate and may even make him feel worse. I would happily take lithium again if I needed it.

annie

Thanks Annie, hubby was tried prozac and it didn't do him any good at all. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is lithium a mood stabiliser rather than an antidepressant?

I had another talk with him last night and tried to show him some stuff on bipolar, but unfortunately he won't accept it and just thinks he's stressed and will feel better once the other house sells. I don't agree because his behaviour over the years has been strange and he does get terrible bouts of depression but he thinks it's all for a reason, i.e. something else caused it, while I'm of the opinion that he reacted too badly for it to be anything other than depression. His high periods don't seem to be ridiculously high compared to what I've read about some people, but he definitely takes more risks and gets upset and irritable when I try to explain why something's not a good idea, and it causes tension.

I don't know whether he'll go to the doctor or not. I toyed with the idea of going myself but I don't know whether they'll talk to me about someone else, and will probably just tell me to send him to see them. His problem is he doesn't want to be labelled as anything, or to have it on his record because sometimes you have to declare mental illness for certain insurance policies and licenses, and he hates the thought of other people knowing he has a problem. I think it will help them understand more but he doesn't see it that way.

He seems a bit better today and tells me he is very happy with the way our marriage is now, it's just during his darker moments when he feels everything is hopeless - I think sometimes he regresses back to the problems we had 17 years ago when we were first married and thinks they're still going on, when they're not. It takes a while to talk some sense into him. I am finding it difficult to cope with because I never know what mood he will be in when he comes home from work, and sometimes just turns on me for no apparent reason. I will persevere and try to get him to see someone again.

Thanks for your advice and thoughts.

from what little I know he does sound like he could do with a chat to a gp.

Why dont you go, ask about whats avaliable and make another appointment for you dh anad you together.

yes, lithium is a mood stabiliser, it alters a chemical balance in your body. It has to be well regulated and requires lots of blood tests at the beginning to get a stable and safe dose. But it is the magic treatment for bipolar.
But yes, it will upset insurance so I can see why he wants to get the move sorted first. My bipolar is also stress related and I am controlled socially now, so it is possible that lesss stress will help him. I don't have a hang up about labels, I guessed what was wrong with me and I found a diagnosis reassuring. I even continued working as a nurse, because it was under control. I could have been struck off if I hadn't sought treatment and it had gone out of control (uncontrolled mental illness is listed as a condition for striking off registered nurses, for obvious reasons).
annie

big ((hugs)) hun, id definately say go to youre gp, as even if youre dh wont see the gp, you yourself need some support as this will only eat at you and make you ill, and that makes no sense, youre gp should be able to put you in touch with some form of support, and information,
however, you can take a horse to water but cant make it drink, if youre hubby is to get treated for whatever the condition hes diagnosed with, he first needs to want to treat it, and that means he has to admit to having a problem, which it sounds like he knows hes got one, but is afraid to admit it? possibly fearing it could affect his family and then hed feel like even more of a failiour? (hes not but it sounds like hes very insecure)
i too suffer from ahem "stress depression and anxiety" oh joys, my mum has been on prozac since she was a teenager and cant go 24hrs without it before i spot that shes not had it (her voice starts to waver and you know her moods slipping) so im well versed in it i guess youd say, he might get irate with you for researching his condition and then again he might also at the same time be relieved to have some info that makes sense, and if the lithiums as good as has been said... but again its down to him wanting to do it, having admitted hes got a problem,
to get there i spose it might be an idea to find out if the condition you think he has is likely to affect insurances and the like, the dr would most likely know, and altho wont make a proper diagnosis without speaking to dh he may well have a fair idea, (you could always anonymously enquire with the insurance companys about the possible conditions?)
but anyhoo long story short, you go to youre gp get yourself some support and info, and you might come across something thatd help youre dh, if he wants it, anyhoo many many big hugs again xx i hope he gets the help he needs soon, and stay in touch on here as theres lots of support

Thanks all of you for your reassurances and advice. This is not over yet! Hubby has been OK the last couple of days, completely normal, apart from a brief panic about our house sale because the mortgage on our new house is due this week and they've just put interest rates up! However, he may seem OK now but I never know when he's going to slip. He's at his best when he's busy or got something to occupy his mind and can't stand sitting around doing nothing, and when things go "wrong" he starts to decline. We will get to the doctors soon because I really think we need some professional help.

Many thanks all of you. Right back atcha!