Thread: PND thoughts and experiences

Hi everyone

I have severe PND - it has now got to the point where my hubby has given up work and is now my carer. My parents don't understand whats wrong, and I have no friends anymore.

Things have really come to a head, and with it being such a taboo subject I have decided to do something about it.

I am writing a book, by mums for mums about experiences or thoughts about PND. If anyone would like to contribute I would really appreciate it.

The worst bit so far - has been the fact that I have had some pretty horrific suicide attempts. I have no idea why, and I still can't explain it. I love my family - I just keep letting them down. I am scared and feel so alone.

I recently finished going to a support group which started off great, and I made the first friends there who understood me, but now I just don't want to see them anymore - I feel like they are tonnes better and trying to push me into things I don't want to do...and suprisingly they keep telling me to pull myself together, even though thy have felt like me.

I know its going to take a while and the meds are still being played with and the docs are still trying to decide what to do.

Sarah

Been there, didn't get a t-shirt.

Just over a year ago, because of the severe PND and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD caused the PND) I had reached a state where I had to fight urges to hit my kids, I couldn't look at my baby without crying, and I was having waking dreams and hearing voices telling me to cut my uterus out with a kitchen knife. During times that I was feeling really stressed I had to fight urges to cut and scratch my arms and belly.

I tried to get help through the NHS. If I'd stuck with them I'd probably still be waiting. The social worker who was supposed to be keeping an eye on me at home was late for every single appointment but the last. The last she never showed up at all. "Terribly sorry, things got busy and I forgot all about your appointment." Gee, that makes me feel better.

DH and I decided that my health was worth the extra money and I contacted a private psychiatrist for help. I still see him every few months to monitor medication - had to switch me from Prozac to Citalopram after I started having thought about cars crashing head on into me while driving.

Started off seeing a therapist who did psychoanalytical therapy. When we realised that it just wasn't working with her, he referred me over to a woman who did cognitive-behavioural therapy. After 6 or 7 session with her, I've been released.

When I see the shrink again in July we're going to start weaning me off the Citalopram.

Hiya,

I'm at the less severe end of the PND spectrum. I had PND with my first son (now 34 months) that went untreated for several months, I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. Mostly I just didn't feel like I bonded with my son, I cried a lot, thought I was useless and a bad mother, and at my worst I self harmed with a pair of scissors. In hindsight I wish i'd asked for help sooner, I missed out on enjoying a lot of my sons early months. I just felt like I'd spent 9 months being so excited about his arrival that there must be something wrong with me for not coping. Eventually I went to my health visitor who refered me to the doctor and I got Citalopram which made all the difference.

I have just given birth (9 weeks ago) to another baby boy and had similar feelings very soon after. This time I went straight onto the Citalopram and touch wood i'm fine, I can't believe how different the experience of having a newborn is this time round, it makes me feel bad that I missed out on this stuff with my first.

Obviously my experience is no where near as severe as some but I thought i'd share with you anyway.

Well done on doing something so positive!

i became clinically depressed over a year ago when my youngest was one, my main issues were stuff in my past, but i don't suppose the timing of having a baby was helping, it also escalated into ptsd and i have taken overdoses and clung to the floor crying on many occaisons.

unfortunately i also found that people have trouble understanding depression. if they can't see it they don't get it. i mean, if i had a broken leg then they would fully understand why i have had nearly a year off work.

my gp has been seeing me 1-2 weekly as i was that unstable and i was under the crisis team on several occaisons. it has been a long battle and though it is far from over, i am stable and returning to work in a fortnight!! which, by the way is terrifying me

i think the book is a great idea, the stigma behind mental illness is unbelievable, people need educating and more support needs to be available. this is an area i strongly believe in.

i'm not sure if i can be of help, but i don't mind talking

take gentle care of you, you deserve it

Here is the bones of my story, I don't mind my name or location being used, if this is helpful to you or you want any further information please ask. The more we talk about this the greater our understanding let alone that of others becomes.

If one more well meaning fool tells me to pull myself together and concentrate on the two beautiful children I have instead of wallowing in self pity I am going to brain them.

I had mild depression after minihill1 which the health professionals missed till she was ohh about 8 months old, mainly because I couldn't admit that I had a problem. With minihill2 I went and asked the gp for help and was told that it was just the baby blues don't worry it will pass, all you need is a bit of help at home. By the way my wife is copping marvelousley with our 11 week old and I do lots to help her even though I am on call as police surgeon as well as my antisocial GP hours. FFS minihill2 was 12 weeks at this point and I had been struggling at home not wanting to admit that it was all spiraling out of control again and that was his idea of helping me!!!!! 24 hours later I called my HV in tears and she came out to the house assesed me there and then and called the surgery to book an apointement with one of the other doctors he put me on citalopram and reffered me to councelling with our loal mental health team (what a waste of space they are). He has graduually increased my dosage and the good days are starting to outway the bad.

I went in for an assesment with the mental health team, they sent someone different out to the house each week in the morning even though I had requested afternoon apointments because minihill1 would be at nursery and I would be able to talk. I felt like I was just going over the same thing over and over again.

Them "good morning how are you this week?"
Me "can't answer you as the children are both here and my eldest is old enough to understand some of what is said and repeat it at innapropriate times"
Them "Could you send hedr up stairs to play"
Me" no because a) she can still hear us and b) she wouldnt know why she was being excluded and would think that she was being punished for something.
Them" oh ok see you next week then".

I discharged myself after two months of these wonderful doorstop councelling sessions!!!!! GP rereffered me so I dutifully went for a new assesment and they told me I should go to a coucelling group which meets in the morning at a local church but doesn't have creche facilities or one of an evening (whilst I am at work).

Dh is no help!! he has come home on several ocassions to find minihill1 in living room with stairgate closed, minihill2 crying in cot and me sobbing my heart out on the bed cause I can't keep either child happy and hate the state the house is in but cannot motivate myself to do it because it just ends up as bad 10 mins later. I have returned to work doing evenings and weekends and am permanently exhausted but he won't help with the house work. Even though he is quick to point out all the jobs that need doing.

On a plus point the health visitor comes out to see me once a week whilst minihill1 is at nursey and minihill2 is having his nap and talks through things with me. With her support I am slowly seeing a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

If I could get the house straight I think it would help but with work and children I am finding it difficult to find the time let alone the energy to do it.

Take care

Wendy

I don't have PND (yet, anyway, LOL) but I was at the pits of depression at the end of the first trimester with my third pregnancy. I lasted about a month and gave me a glimpse into what you are going through, ladies. I totally sympathise with you. I was constantly tired and nauseus and coulnd't take care of the children, I would set fruit and bread in the middle of the table and they would fend for themselves. At the end a relative came for 20 days to help with the children. She was lovely. I felt I needed mothering and she did just that. Cook for me and hug me when I was tearful.

It was a frightening experience. Usually I am happy with my lot, but at this time I was looking out of the window somewhere and thinking: "Does it make any difference that I am around here?".

So yes, go ahead witht the book. I wish everyone had a mini-dose of depression just to see what's like and not be hard on people who have it.

Wishing you all speedy recovery, hang on there!

Esther

A huge thank you to all have replied so far.

I seem to find myself going round in circles - I think my hubby is so confused, and god knows what the kids think. My temper is horrific and I snap at the strangest thing. The worst part is feeling so alone. I have people round me, but I find trusting people very hard, and the paranoia is huge.

Well if nothing else now you know you are not alone a lot of us have these feeings and are behaving in much the same way.

Be kind to yourself and post here when you need to let of steam or need a shoulder. I have found the support I have found on here and other parenting forums a great source of strength.

There were many times I would swear I was getting angry at my husband because he was breathing wrong.

In my case, it was because I had so much anger towards the hospital staff whoi did these things to me but they weren't around to direct it at, and he was.

I can't help but wonder if a great deal of PND is, if not caused, worsened by the great feeling of being out of control of the situation that is forced upon them in hospital settings.

Originally Posted by NanLT

There were many times I would swear I was getting angry at my husband because he was breathing wrong.

In my case, it was because I had so much anger towards the hospital staff whoi did these things to me but they weren't around to direct it at, and he was.

I can't help but wonder if a great deal of PND is, if not caused, worsened by the great feeling of being out of control of the situation that is forced upon them in hospital settings.

You are so right Nan. I had a fairly traumatic time when I had DD and although as I was able to deal with alot of it at the time and I wasn't badly affected by PND I am still angry in lots of ways at what was done to me and the lack of knowledge shown by staff.